Sorry.....I just can't resist posting this.

ONLY A TEXAN
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.

One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man from Texas stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.

Slowly he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt, muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped.....

Then, he spoke....

"Iron this--and then get me a beer."

Labels: the friday funnies

A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.

The fairy waved her magic wand and poof! 2 tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

Both the wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.....

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful.........should remember that fairies are female.

Labels: the friday funnies

I'm under some serious pressure this morning with an article that is due in, let's say....an hour-and-a-half.....
I needed a laugh....here is a column written by James Watkins. He was a speaker at last week's conference. If I ever get the chance, I'll stalk him too. Anyways...this column offers some perspective. It's just what the doctor ordered if I do say so myself.
Enjoy.

November 1997kidney stones
Everyone needs to have a kidney stone once in his or her life time. Preferably, the sooner the better.
You see, experiencing the sensation of having a semi tractor-trailer with snow chains and a load of rolled steel park on your lower back tends to put life into perspective.
For instance, if you're riding in a tour bus and the rest room door suddenly swings open and you can't reach the handle without creating an additional sight on the tour, you can say, "Hey, sure beats a kidney stone." (All of these examples are, of course, hypothetical and have never happened to me personally.) Or your daughter calls you at 1 a.m. in the middle of winter and says, "Gee, Dad, did you know that a '95 Neon can straddle a traffic island?" you can say, "Hey, sure beats a kidney stone."
This perspective also works for times you attempt to repair the toilet yourself and manage to not only cripple the commode, but break off the main water shut-off valve. (I did mention that these are strictly hypothetical examples, didn't I?) It helps when your mother-in-law backs into your brand-new car. The time your five-year-old son drives spikes into your coffee table. When you lose a great job as an editor at a publishing house due to corporate down-sizing. While you're recovering from double-hernia surgery and something on TV prompts a belly laugh. When you're spending half your vacation time sitting in a traffic jam in downtown Chicago with a stick shift, no air-conditioning, and two kids in the back seat waging a fight to the death. You can always say, "Hey, sure beats a kidney stone."
It also works for intestinal flu, crashed computers, lactose intolerance, sadistic dental hygienists, arthritis, overdrawn checking accounts, terminal toasters and transmissions, impacted wisdom teeth extractions, prostate exams, IRS audits, and flat tires in the rain fifty miles from any form of civilization. Now there are some things that are worse than a kidney stone such as death, divorce, and "Saved By the Bell" reruns, but most domestic disasters and occupational pratfalls pale in comparison to a kidney stone. And that puts everything in perfect perspective.
It's been six years since my painful epiphany, which brings me to another kidney stone insight: "All things must pass."
(c) 1997 James N. Watkins

Labels: the friday funnies

It's FRIDAY!!!!
The last weekday of the kids' spring break. Yesterday we had fun at the Bettendorf Children's Museum. THe 3 older kids each won a free admission through their recent "read a million minutes" program at school. So I had to pay for Danielle and I....and that's it! Yeah for us!

We also did some shopping while in town for some outfits to wear to my sister-in-law's upcoming wedding! The plan was to get Nathan his pants, shirt and shoes. I thought I could easily handle shopping for that with all 4 kids in tow. And Nathan's easy. We find the black pants, a shirt that is a good color and shoes in the right size.
All in one store. All located on racks that are right next to each other. No need to shop around for him.

So we found something right away for him. Then we walked across the store and stopped in the girls section. Each of the girls found a dress that was not only perfect for them....but they all sort of matched each other as well! AND the three of them were even gonna mathch me! I had this idea of getting a family photo taken right before the wedding. Except that the outfits us girls are wearing don't match what Nathan had just picked. And that store didn't have pants that matched us in his size. So he ended up being the hard one to shop for. We still need to shop around for him.

He doesn't care. He made plans with his dad to go shop for some clothes. Dad needs new clothes for work anyway.

Today I have my ultimate babysitter coming over for the afternoon so I can do whatever I want. All by myself. I don't know what I want to do yet. I might catch up on a writing project. And go get some softball/baseball stuff the kids need this year. More money. Oy.


THE FOLLOWING FRIDAY FUNNY....is a blonde joke. If you take offense to these then you'll have to get over it. And take a look at my photo on the sidebar of this blog.
Remember....I'm only as blonde as I pay to be.

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair....given that you are blind...that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
the blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No....Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Come back and visit me here often. And remember....you don't have to be crazy to be my friend. But it sure helps.

Labels: the friday funnies

I decided last night that I am going to try hard to do the "French Don't Diet" plan. There's a book by Will Clower that I have and mostly used for recipes. I actually ran by it when I was trying to find some information about food/chemical/preservative allergies when Nathan started getting wicked bad migraines a couple of years ago. Good recipes in there!

But now I am going to try it with the intentions of loosing 5 pounds. I'd just feel more comfortable in my own skin if I did.

If I never bring this topic up again....forget that I said anything at all and just assume that I gave up.



Here's the "friday funnies" portion of this post......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all the conflicting medical studies......

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausage and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Labels: the friday funnies