The following is a column that ran in the Advocate News with the headlines reading "preschoolers, parks and porta-pottys".
Enjoy

Front Porch View
By Robin Paulsen
Submitted on May 4, 2007

Hello and welcome back to another edition of the Front Porch View. I’m reporting to you live and on location at a ball park near you. I’d tell you exactly which park I’m at, but unless you have preschool-age kids or under, you probably wouldn’t understand the code in which I speak. You see, I do not refer to any park by its name or location, but by the condition of the public restrooms on site. The mommy readers know what I mean.
I actually plan the day’s events and meals leading up to the ballgame based on which park/restroom we will be at in the evening. On a night when I prepare a meal that might actually include one or two of the decent food groups, then we can assume that we will later be at a park with toilets that flush, sinks with soap and stalls big enough to fit more than one person. If we are only eating some cereal, a sandwich or a light snack, the park we will be visiting does have toilets and a door that locks. But we may need to bring our own hand sanitizer and one should always check to make sure there is toilet paper before sitting down. And on the evenings when I decide not to make anything to eat, we usually will grab something at the concession stands. The only condition to this is that it has to be after the 3rd inning and everyone splits one thing to drink. The bathrooms at these parks do not have doors to the stalls or if they do, they don’t latch. They are dirty and predictably, one or more of the toilets will be plugged up. I am only willing to take a small chance that I might have to stand in line with a four-year-old and wait for the one toilet that is in flushing order.
Then there are days when I close up the kitchen shortly after noon. There will be no sodas, juice boxes or water for at least 3 hours before the game. The menu for these days includes absolutely no fiber whatsoever. None. Everyone is required by the laws of our house to visit the restroom every 15 minutes for the hour before we leave for the game. There are no drinks and no snacks at the game until mom is certain that we are, at most, 15 seconds from our home. If you are too hungry to wait that long then you can eat the dirt you are playing in. Because this mom would rather eat dirt than have to spend any time in a porta-potty. I could explain some of the adventures we’ve had in these specific conditions, but I would hate for you to experience too much excitement in just this one article. If you have never experienced the joys of being cramped inside of one of these plastic huts with one or more children needing your assistance, then you have got a lot of living left to do. Preschoolers and poorly-lit-porta-pottys are not a good combination. Enough said.
And that’s it for this exciting edition of the Front Porch View. Always remember that if you are looking for some valuable news information or helpful advice, you should skip this column all together. If you do need to get a hold of me for any newspaper related information, you may have better luck finding me here at the ball park than on my front porch. Hopefully in the stands. But if not, check the bathrooms.

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