Dear Freddy,

I'd like to explain the reason for the condition of the house you are coming home to.

First of all...Don't you just love the cool fall air? You can't get too much fresh air, right? That wonderful breeze blowing in every window of our house is just what this house needed for some crisp, fresh air.

And to let all of the smoke out.

If you would like some food, grab yourself a bowl of cereal. I'd like to heat up a plate of chicken and fries, but when I was burning the meal, it started to look like burnt flesh....I didn't think you would like that.

And the wet carpet?.....Well...that's sort of funny. I'm sure you are gonna laugh. You see, when I was burning our dinner, our fire alarm went off. At the exact right time that two of your daughters were showering. It was so cute how they dutifully ran out of the shower and didn't stop to dry off or dress. I tried to stop laughing at them when they were clearly terrified and wondering why I am not having them get out fast. They are just so innocent and precious. Anyway...this led to the sopping wet carpet.

Didn't we teach them well?

Oh and you won't believe how polite they were when we sat down to dinner and I tried to convince them that what I was feeding them was actually food. After some carefull thought, they all gave me a "No Thank You".

What good manners.

Anyways....cereal is in the cupboard and milk in the fridge. Or you can help yourself to anything there that looks microwavable. You can probably close a couple of the windows before you come to bed. Just leave the fans on the carpet.

I have a great idea for tomorrow.....let's go out to eat. I'm pretty sure we can talk the kids into that idea as well.

Love,
Your Adoring Wife